not merely superfluous, but ridiculous
It has been a rough week for getting anything done. I don’t know if I’m letting the all-enveloping eye of the Internet hypnotize me until I look around and two days have passed (oh wait, that’s exactly what’s happening), or if tutoring is taking more time than I anticipated (wrong. It’s the other thing).
It’s fascinating to watch myself sink into this all-too-familiar mire – or actually, no, it’s the opposite of fascinating, which is perhaps the one truly fascinating thing about it. I feel like I’m on the outside, watching someone else’s life fall apart. I don’t even have enough energy to experience my own gradual breakdown. No, wrong word, but I’ll never get to a thousand today if I start deleting them. I want this to be a breakdown, but it’s more an instance of the feedback loop closing around me, as I read and read and read but produce no writing or any other work. Literary constipation? Not my favorite analogy; poop metaphors are overindulgent (it’s where I try to draw the line at what I will and will not write about, and where I wish Jonathan Franzen would). The Ouroboros keeps popping into my head, but I’m not sure if that’s because it is a useful metaphor, or because my do-nothingness seems to mirror the character of Charlie Kaufman in Adaptation. It shouldn’t be so hard to get some basic work done, but here I am.
I can’t go on doing this. I fall into the same simultaneous and paradoxical mental states whenever I get seriously disconnected from my own life. The first is that I start to feel bored, but this boredom does not sufficiently influence me to change my immediate activities. The second is that I begin to feel a consistent low-grade panic about my various responsibilities, but this panic does nothing to change my immediate activities. I just sit there and feel bad. If this sounds like depression, you’re probably not too far off. I’ve never had depression badly enough that I needed to get medication (according to the last doctor I spoke to, it’s mild enough to be overcome with omega-3s, exercise and healthy sleep patterns, on which I’m currently 0-for-3).
Okay, I can’t do a full poor-me post. I’m gonna come back in a few hours with a review of Season 1 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or something.