A Thousand Flappers and Hobbledehoys

not merely superfluous, but ridiculous

Archives: Thirty Words

I recently applied for a job at a company, which for purposes of anonymity we will call “Company.” Included in the initial application was a request to, “In thirty words or less, describe the unique skills and talents that make you a suitable candidate to work at Company.” My first thirty attempts to answer this question follow:

Well, I work hard, I write well, I have the basic qualifications for the job, and okay this is describing literally everyone who will be applying against you. start over
_________________________

My unique talents include my work ethic, my can-do attitude, my [insert something actually quantifiable here], and of course my experience with [insert something actually relevant to the job here].
___________________________

My greatest strength is my educational background, which gives me great potential and an excellent work ethic. While a degree in Renaissance Literature may seem somewhat irrelevant to the job,
___________________________

I would be a great employee of Company because I have superior editing skills- for example, the first eleven words of this response could easily be deleted without losing anything.
____________________________

I know how to get the full effect of words.

For example, putting each sentence on its own line gives all the sentences more weight.

That one’s free.

You’re welcome.
______________________________

My unique talent is probably that I work too hard- I just put everything I have into my work and suddenly I don’t have any home life wait, wrong question
______________________________

I work hard.

I ignore the entropic nature of the universe, slowly tearing everything apart, reducing us down to the atoms whence we came.

Also, I’m a pretty fun guy.
___________________________

I have good decision-making skills and lifestyle habits that reinforce them. You can’t tell I’m writing this at 1:30 AM, right? Or that I need to wake up at 6?
__________________________

I embrace Responsibility, tackle Challenges, and have long talks with HR about whether I could not possibly find more workplace-appropriate methods of expressing my affection for Opportunity in the office.
___________________________

One may best ascertain my educational utility by evaluating the perspicacity of my sesquipedalian diction, which apportions to the convictions of readers a certain bibliophilic delight at my lexiconic facility.
______________________________

I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, all I have are old Saturday Night Live quotes from skits I’ve never seen anyway! I’m hopeless! Please give me money!
___________________________

I wouldn’t overplay my hand if I were you, Company. I’ve got an e-mail from CareerBuilder.com recommending I apply for a “Fashion Brand Communications Coordinator” position, so I’ve got options.
__________________________

I would have to say that my best attribute is the carefully-curated list of companies from which I receive daily e-mails. How many involve job searches? Hint: More than four!
___________________________

I’m coming up with good ideas all the time. For example, it’s 2AM, and I just realized that I am possibly only productive during a single three-hour stretch of daytime.
___________________________

Okay. I’m a good writer. That’s one. At least, I think so- I mean, what really constitutes quality writing? Oh God, what did I decide to do with my life?
___________________________

I can drink!
I can drink!
I can drink!
I can drink!
I can drink!
I can drink!
I can drink!
I can drink!
I can drink!
While I’m writing!
_____________________________

Hmmm, actually I feel quite relaxed now: I have a strong educational background, a history of getting excellent results in the public and private sectors, and I think outside the box!
_____________________________

I can leverage my pedigreed writing skill to create client-first solutions across a wide range of media, and excel in highly collaborative environments that facilitate blue-sky thinking and thin-slice brainstorming.
____________________________

The screen is trying to MOVE, but it can’t trick me! I see through your oscillations! How will you escape when I take the rollerball out of your mouse, huh?
_____________________________

I can remove a rollerball from a mouse in less than thirty minutes, using only a flathead screwdriver, the edge of a desk, and of course my decorated educational background.
_____________________________

My greatest strength is so great, it can only be expressed in a language I have just made up: Armahg woepre skj aneo dji kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuqz. The language’s name is “Greatish.”
_____________________________

Fools! You will all be working for me as soon as I steal your company secrets and complete my moon laser! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

… hmm, I still need another word…
______________________________

My greatest strength? It’s 3AM and I’m STILL working on this! That’s dedication! How many people would work this long on thirty words? And how many with vomit-covered keyboards would?
________________________________

I re-read the prompt and realized you didn’t ask for my “greatest strength,” but my “unique skills and talents.” So I made a mistake. And am willing to admit that.
________________________________

Wait, UNIQUE skills and talents? Nobody has those! There is not a skill on earth that is not held by two people AT LEAST. I am calling you out, Company!
________________________________

And why skills AND talents? That seems like pretty sloppy copy if you ask me! Or is this a code? Should I describe myself as a Dungeons & Dragons character?
________________________________

this is Doug’s mom, and looking at this i’d say his unique talent is his ability to keep the whole house up past 3 in the morning while being pedantic
__________________________________

NOT COOL MOM! You can’t come in here and type stuff on my computer when I’m in the bathroom. I’m leaving for five minutes, and want you to delete it.
_________________________________

please whoever this is for, give my son a job so he will get out of my house. i thought i’d be able to relax after he left for school
_________________________________

My unique skills and talents include the ability to channel incredible amounts of personal frustration into the creative aspects of my work, mostly because I’m living in a DOMESTIC PRISON
__________________________________

Look, Company… I do my best. And it’s mostly pretty good. I can’t guarantee I’m the best option you have. But you’re the best I have. Help me out here.

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This entry was posted on 7 November 2014 by in Life and tagged , , , , , .
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